


as if i could ever

by MsFluorescent



Category: Dragon Ball
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Bottom Son Goku (Dragon Ball), Dom/sub, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Friends With Benefits, Future Fic, Light Bondage, M/M, One Shot, Pining, Rough Sex, Smut, Top Vegeta (Dragon Ball), Unrequited, Unrequited Crush, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-18
Updated: 2020-12-18
Packaged: 2021-03-10 22:33:32
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,784
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28144647
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MsFluorescent/pseuds/MsFluorescent
Summary: 「オメェーの好きな人、オラじゃねえよな.」"the one ya love, ain't me."they're fighting a fight that only ends with both of them losing.
Relationships: Son Goku/Vegeta (Dragon Ball)
Comments: 14
Kudos: 58





	as if i could ever

**Author's Note:**

> based off of these lyrics from a song: “ _so touch my body, ‘cause that’s what you want  
>  but don’t touch my heart, as if i could ever be the one you love”_  
> EDIT: I'm such a cunt, I forgot Vegeta had two children 🤦♀️ I'M SORRY BULLA I love you I promise
> 
>  **EDIT 2** : so I just found out that according to _Daizenshuu_ , Saiyans' average lifespan is about the same as humans' (75-100 years), but according to Toriyama Akiraさん, their natural lifespan is longer. I don't know exactly how much longer so for the sake of my story, we'll keep it at a couple hundred years, but I just wanted to put this out there.

They’re here again.

Though the location of the bed changes between their residences, this situation is all too familiar.

The rough sex, the filthy words that drip into his ear, the pleasure assaulting his senses until he loses them for a brief moment when he comes. All too familiar.

The post-orgasm clarity is, as always, heart-shattering.

Goku turns over and stares at the ceiling, wondering again _why_ he keeps doing this. Although, he knows why. Why he and Vegeta come back to this same state, every time; why they even started it.

After Bulma and Chichi passed, nobody else would do. But hundreds of years is not easy to go through without intimate connection, especially as sexually active as the Saiyan race was.

This relationship of theirs came naturally, terrifyingly so.

They had been sparring, though their frustration levels were a lot higher this time, even Goku’s. The fight brought to their notice what they had been trying to ignore for too long. Goku remembers Vegeta kicking him hard enough to slam him into the nearest rock face, and along with the familiar pain, came an unfamiliar rush, not unlike that of adrenaline.

But different.

It was taking him a lot longer to gather his bearings thanks to that weird feeling, and as a result, Vegeta came to achieve his victory. Holding Goku against the rock with a hand on his neck, Vegeta had smirked. “I win, Kakarot.”

Goku had chuckled lightly, the way he did when he didn’t know what else to do. “I’ll win next time!”

“We’ll see about that.”

In the silence that followed was when the atmosphere shifted. Vegeta hadn’t been pressing hard enough to completely cut off Goku’s breathing, but he also wasn’t budging. After a long while of being held there, unsure what the weird charge in the air was, Goku ventured awkwardly. “We should... prob’ly get changed, huh?”

He hadn’t gotten a reply nor was he able to get himself free because Vegeta had pressed his lips to Goku’s then, effectively cutting off all movement. Goku’s brain short-circuited. The kiss was rough, more tongue than anything else. It was weird. It shouldn’t have been happening.

But it was, and Goku had been most surprised to find that he didn’t hate it. Maybe they had both been more deprived than previously thought. He had found himself melting into the kiss, turning to putty in Vegeta’s hands.

They fucked like they fought: bruising hands, insulting words, displays of power. Since then, every sparring session they had was interspersed with sex; whoever won the fight got to call the shots.

These “fights” — he didn’t know what else to call them — led Goku to realize three things.

The first two came almost instantly. He actually quite liked being dominated, and he liked being dominated _by Vegeta_.

The last came later, through much internal agonization, and was much less welcome. He was _romantically_ attracted to his fiery sparring partner, his friend (though Vegeta would say they weren’t), the only other full-blooded Saiyan on this tiny planet called Earth, in the Seventh Universe.

He hadn’t known at first what that attraction entailed. He just figured it was because of this newfound kink of his.

The pivotal moment was during one of their sessions after sparring, when they found themselves on Goku’s bed. Vegeta had won but he seemed to have been especially pissed about something, because he had been a lot rougher than usual. And that was saying something.

It was never more than what Goku could handle ㅡ though to be fair, he could handle _a lot_.

But Vegeta had been more heavy-handed, even going so far as spanking him, something else Goku realized he liked, much to his chagrin. His words had been more degrading too, treating Goku like some sex slave.

Goku hadn’t minded, especially in the heat of the moment. Besides, Vegeta was _always_ insulting him. He had allowed himself to fall into the role, panting and moaning like a bitch in heat as Vegeta drove in and out of him with enough force to break a normal person in half.

When they had both climaxed, instead of leaving right after, like he had previously done, Vegeta collapsed onto the bed next to Goku. He didn’t say anything, not even when he wrapped his arms around Goku from behind, effectively spooning him. Lying there in the dark, dumbfounded and confused, Goku had been directly hit with a feeling that he had previously only felt creeping around the edges of his mind: melancholy.

The fucking was one thing. They were both men with active libidos who connected with each other on multiple levels. These additional sparring sessions felt natural. And as weird as it may be, even his desire to be dominated felt natural. They _were_ Saiyans after all; excitement at acknowledging a stronger being flowed in their blood, tangled in their DNA.

But being held in Vegeta’s arms like he was _treasured_ , when he knew he definitely wasn’t? _That_ was a cauldron pot of emotion the likes of which he hadn’t encountered yet.

Goku didn't get sad often; he considered himself a fairly easy going guy, Saiyan instincts notwithstanding. Life just happened, as it always had, and as it would continue to do, so he wanted to enjoy it.

Of course there had been those soul-crushing moments that even he wasn't immune to, and he wouldn't doubt there'd be more to come. But he hadn't ever let himself dwell on those. Even the deaths. He believed in honoring the memory of those who died by living on and making the most of it.

This, though, there was no sense to this. There was nothing to "make the most" of. These… _feelings_ inside him, were useless.

And yet, he could not stop thinking about them.

This desire ㅡ to hold his hand, be by his side forever, to be considered a lover, perhaps even significant other ㅡ grew, and with it, so did the feeling that he would never get that. Vegeta was an unattainable existence; at least in that way. Only three had succeeded so far in getting the Prince of all Saiyans to invest in them emotionally; one of them was his dead wife, and the other two were his children.

It would be impossible for Goku to achieve that.

Which was fine. He cherished the fact that they had what could be called a friendship after decades, they were proper rivals; there was nothing Goku wanted more.

Except for when he did.

It should have been fine, until it wasn’t.

Guilt added itself to the mish-mash of feelings swirling around inside. Goku didn’t like this dissatisfaction. He would have been happy even just to be able to fuck around only as a release of sexual tension.

But he couldn’t.

Part of Goku dreads meeting up with Vegeta to spar, but he knows he’ll go anyway. He can’t help himself. Of course the thrill of battle is a big part of it — feeling the goosebump-inducing sensation of _ki_ butting against _ki_ ㅡ but it’s also to see Vegeta.

Recently he hasn’t been fighting his hardest either. Whether that is because of his current anxieties or allowing Vegeta to win, or both, he isn't sure. He's sure Vegeta has noticed too, and he has an excuse prepared in case, but so far, Vegeta hasn't mentioned it.

_Of course he wouldn't_. _Why would he care?_

Goku is on his back at the end of their sparring session, staring up at a triumphant Vegeta. He thinks Vegeta looks especially beautiful like this ㅡ littered with scrapes and bruises, but wearing a proud smile, his hair blowing in the continuous mountain air, sweat gleaming on his face, the light from the sun hitting him just right.

"Take us back." Vegeta orders him, a familiar glint in his eyes. As Goku's stomach drops to his feet, a heat pools in his core. He almost hesitates, but he knows what he'll choose.

Without bothering to stand up, he grabs onto Vegeta's calf and Instant Transmissions them to his room.

Vegeta gets off of the bed, bringing Goku's wrists together above his head before securing them with _ki_ restraints. This was new, and Goku's body practically vibrates with anticipation, arousal stirring in his abdomen.

Thanks to their sparring, most of his _gi_ is in tatters and as such, doesn't require much more than a tiny blast of _ki_ from Vegeta to blow the rest of it away to smithereens.

Vegeta stands back a little to admire the view, intense onyx eyes roving over Goku's body. He feels like prey, and he likes it. Vegeta ogles him long enough for Goku to have to swallow back a wanton whine, his cock hardening at being watched so intently.

Amongst the arousal, the gross feeling of romanticism tries to make itself prominent, but Goku purposely ignores it. It was so much easier to pretend he was just a toy for Vegeta; harboring any other thoughts was dangerous territory.

He looks at Vegeta, starting a low, rumbling purr in his chest, trying to beg Vegeta with his eyes to do _something_.

_Do something about these thoughts_.

Vegeta does. He pulls Goku up by his hair into a bruising kiss, climbing on top of him and just barely brushing his leg against the younger's dick.

Goku definitely isn't able to swallow the whine this time. Vegeta pulls back and smirks. "Aren't you cute."

Goku's heart stops.

_Fuck. Now why'd y'have to go and do that?_

What he has to force back now is the lump in his throat. He can feel tears spring to his eyes, and he has to make it look like it's from something other than his heart breaking. "P-please, Vegeta."

It must work because Vegeta gets rid of his training suit lightning quick, manhandling Goku so he's on his knees, ass in the air. He gets behind, pushing Goku's face into the mattress as he pushes himself unceremoniously in.

It burns without preparation, but Goku takes it. Anything to choke out the flames incinerating him from the inside.

Vegeta keeps his pace slow and deep at first, rocking in and out. He could almost be described as gentle, if Goku didn't know who he was. Soon, the pace isn't enough. He increases in intensity with every thrust until it's a hard piston, pounding Goku into the mattress.

He finds Goku's prostate with ease and as Goku arches his back and cries out, he curses Vegeta in his head for knowing him so well.

"You- take- my- cock- so- well- Goku," Vegeta growls, and the sound of that name coming out of Vegeta's mouth ㅡ even though he's sure Vegeta probably hadn't meant to say it ㅡ smacks Goku with a tangle of feelings he can't tell if he likes.

He comes, roaring Vegeta's name so loudly the house shakes. His orgasm lasts for a while, considering Vegeta's thrusts don't let up until he's coming too, spilling into Goku.

Goku pretends the tears in his eyes are from overstimulation and he hopes Vegeta will go home tonight.

No such luck.

The other pulls out of him and falls to the bed next to Goku, spooning him, and judging by how quickly his breathing evens out, promptly falls asleep.

Goku guesses he should be thankful for that. The tears are falling now and _god_ , crying is so weird, but now that the high has worn off but his head is still woozy, he can't stop. He bites down on his fist, tries to take deep breaths, so at least he isn't hyperventilating.

The tears don't stop for a long time, like everything he's bottled up and shoved away since the very first time he realized his predicament is now exploding out of him.

He isn't sure how long it's been, but eventually, his sobs subside and he can breathe more normally. Goku closes his eyes, deciding to sleep it away; he'd had enough of tears.

“Kakarot.” Vegeta’s sleep-drenched voice snaps Goku's senses to attention almost instantly. “Why have you not fallen asleep yet?”

“Oh, sorry. Did I wake ya?” Goku hopes Vegeta can't tell that he'd just been crying, ignoring the way his heart starts to palpitate at how much lower Vegeta’s voice is.

"Your _ki_ did."

"Oh. S-sorry 'bout that."

"It's fine. Just go to sleep."

"Yeah, okay. Night, Vegeta."

"Mmh."

Goku turns the other way, and thanks to the sex and excessive draining of his emotions, he falls into a blank and blissful sleep.

* * *

Waking up in the morning to find Vegeta gone is disappointing and painful, but also familiar.

For once in his life, Goku doesn't want to do _anything_.

He lays in bed all day, alternating between contemplating his life and falling asleep. At one point when he's awake, he remembers that he and Vegeta are supposed to spar again today, and with a pit in his gut, he does something he hardly ever does.

(Though recently, that wasn't really all that new.)

Goku takes his phone out from the side drawer where he keeps it; the same one Bulma had given him years before for communication. He hadn't seen the point then, but now, he does.

He makes sure it's charged and once it turns on, pulls up Vegeta's contact to send him a message, albeit with difficulty.

  
  


**to: べジータ (Vegeta)**

_cant spar 2day feeling sick_

  
  


The tiny keys on the touchscreen kinda piss him off, but he'd much rather struggle with them than have to see Vegeta.

  
  


**to: カカロット (Kakarot)**

_You never get sick._

**to: ベジータ**

_well I feel sick_

**to: カカロット**

_Alright. You better not be running away from me._

  
  


Goku laughs dryly.

  
  


**to: べジータ**

_I aint scared ill let u kno when I feel better_

**to: カカロット**

_Learn to type, moron._

  
  


Good ol' Vegeta.

He hates that the insult brings a smile to his face that feels pretty genuine. At least until the thoughts come back and pull that smile away.

And then he isn’t sure which he hates more.

* * *

During the whole week of his “illness”, Goku thought. A lot. (He can almost hear the exclamations and see his friends' surprised faces at that fact.)

The longer he pondered it, the more he realized how debilitating these feelings could, and would, get if he didn’t let them fade away. Krillin had once told him that you didn’t choose who you fell in love with; love was weird that way. Emotions were odd, fickle things.

He knew that with time, he’d stop feeling… _this_. Or at least he hoped. Still, he had to try.

So when Vegeta texted him at the end of the week to ask how he was feeling, he swallowed the lump in his throat, squared his shoulders, and solidified his determination.

  
  


**to: カカロット**

_Ready to get your ass kicked?_

**to: ベジータ**

_dont cry when u lose_

  
  


Vegeta flew over so Goku could IT them to their usual spot. He’s already waiting by the time Goku gets outside, arms crossed. “You sure took your time getting better.”

Goku laughs lightly, hoping it doesn’t sound as nervous as he feels. “Ah, yeah. One nasty virus.” He debates faking a cough, but decides against it. He’s never been a very good actor. Vegeta squints suspiciously, like he’s trying to figure something out, but he gives up after a while. “Whatever. Let’s go.”

“Sure thing!”

Goku places a hand on Vegeta’s shoulder and in a second, they’ve arrived at the barren desert area they’ve made their training grounds.

They fall into their stances, excited at the prospect of battle and unwilling to waste a single second. Their _ki_ shifts and ripples over and underneath their skin. And then a _snap_ , like that of a whip, harsh and resounding, and they’re colliding, throwing and countering punches and kicks faster than could possibly be observed by most mortals.

Goku’s fought Vegeta many times, and every time is as exciting as the last. The knowledge that very few left in their universe felt like them and lived like them, devoted to the thrill of a fight, to the way combat made their blood sing, entwined the very essences of who they were. They were different in personality, but very much the same in everything else. They were kin, past lineages be damned.

Goku had missed this. Missed just being able to clash with Vegeta, learning and growing together, without the acrid taste of infatuation sitting on his tongue. He needed to get this back, no matter what it took.

It’s a close battle, but because Goku had kept his training to an absolute minimum, not wanting Vegeta to feel his _ki_ and realize he hadn’t actually been sick, Vegeta emerges triumphant. There was no way he would have sat back and slacked off.

The grin Vegeta aims at him is almost feral, and Goku has to steel his will and ignore the arousal thrumming in him. “You better be ready, Kakarot.”

“A-actually, I, uh, I don’t think we should.”

Vegeta steps back. “Why?”

“Because… it’s not… right.” Goku winces at his lame excuse, but he can’t find the courage yet. Unfortunately, Vegeta doesn’t buy it. “The way you react sounds right to me.”

“Well, I’m… just not feeling up to it.” _Dammit, that wasn’t any better_.

“Fighting like we just did takes much more of a toll. Why are you pussyfooting, Kakarot? Just fucking say what you want to say.” Vegeta snaps, voice taking on a harsh edge as he gets pissed.

There was no way he could say what he wanted to say. “Fine. I don’t like it!”

He hated lying. But he had to. His conviction shines through, and for once, Vegeta believes it. The Prince fixes him with a severe stare and it’s all Goku can do not to turn away.

“That’s all you had to say.” He says eventually, before putting his hand on Goku’s shoulder. “Take me home.”

“Yeah.” Goku wants to say something else to smooth things over a little, but the air between them is charged with something almost hostile, and he keeps his mouth shut.

The second they get to Capsule Corp, Vegeta is heading in with only a “We’re sparring tomorrow. Don’t run away.” He disappears through the doors before Goku can even reply, and with a heart as heavy as lead, Goku goes home.

* * *

For a few weeks, it seems all goes back to normal.

Goku had taken to buying a dildo because he had realized when trying to masturbate once that he couldn’t come without something in his ass, but that was a trivial matter. It didn’t matter that no dildo could ever compare to Vegeta- 

Anyway, it didn’t matter.

What was important was that they were able to spar again, like how it used to be, just pure power and technique, finding any way to get through the others’ defense. Even if Goku’s heart still beat faster whenever he saw Vegeta, he ignored it. (Or tried to.) Even if Vegeta was more caustic, he didn’t really mind.

These were small prices to pay to get their friendship back.

On one particular day, Goku wakes up early, but feeling refreshed, after having had a great night’s sleep. He’s got a lot of energy and is excited to get to sparring, so much so that he decides to surprise Vegeta. He never slept in, anyway.

He teleports in front of Vegeta’s bedroom door, but decides against just opening it, choosing instead to knock in case Vegeta was in an especially bad mood. He can hear soft padding across the floor and then the door opens, but Vegeta isn’t behind it.

There’s a beautiful woman that he doesn’t know, and she’s got just a bathrobe on which does nothing to hide her fantastic figure. “Can I help you?”

“Uh… i-is Vegeta here?”

“Kakarot?” Vegeta’s voice comes from behind the door and then he’s visible, a towel wrapped around his waist, his chest bare so Goku can see the kiss marks littered over the expanse. He looks surprised, and… something else that Goku can’t put a finger on, so he doesn’t bother. “What are you doing here?”

It didn't take a rocket scientist to figure out what the woman’s presence entailed, but seeing the proof for himself was electrifying, in all the worst ways. Bile rises up in his throat and his insides constrict. He feels like he wants to cry, throw up, or punch something.

Or maybe all three.

But he does none. He forces a dopey grin on his face, laughing awkwardly as he rubs the back of his head. “Oh! Just thought I’d surprise ya to spar, but looks like yer busy!” Vegeta’s eyes darted to the lady next to him, then back to Goku. He opens his mouth to reply when the woman drapes herself over him, gazing wantonly at Goku.

“Who’s this, your friend? He’s cute, why don’t you invite him to join?” _Oh Dende, no_.

“Uh, no, ’m okay! Y’all have your fun, I’ll just go an’ hit Vegeta up later-”

“Aww, why not? You don’t wanna have fun with me?”

Maybe her sultry cooing and bedroom eyes could be considered sexy, but it just makes him feel like there are ten thousand Zamases skewering his stomach with ten thousand _ki_ swords over and over and over and over…

Actually, scratch that. He'd _prefer_ the ten thousand Zamases to _this_. At least he could beat the shit out of Zamas.

“No, 's not that, 'm, uh, gay.” He’ll say whatever to get out of this situation; he can’t stay here any longer. He can't even really look at Vegeta, but he makes himself grin with faux confidence as he says, "I'll jus' see ya later Vegeta!" before putting two fingers to his forehead, and disappearing.

He lands in his bedroom and promptly proceeds to retch into the trash basket by the door. He hadn’t eaten anything yet so it was all water, and after it’s all gone, he’s just dry heaving, but the pain from that is _nothing_ compared to how much his soul hurts.

When he stops, he somehow finds himself able to close the curtains and drag himself to his bed, collapsing onto it.

It isn't like Goku can complain; he's the one who had ended their trysts. Besides, it was all falling into place. He had thought _no one else would do_ , had applied to both of them, but of course it hadn't.

He'd always been really naive.

What had happened between him and Vegeta had really just been the release of sexual frustration; the only difference was it stayed that way only for Vegeta.

It made sense.

It made sense, but it hurt like hell anyway.

He curls onto his side and ignoring the steady dampening of his pillow, attempts to fall asleep.

Goku's phone notifying him of a message is what rouses him and he reaches over, blinking his eyes open slowly only when he found his phone.

He notes the time. **13:35**. He had slept for a good deal of time already, yet it seemed like nothing had changed about his exhaustion.

  
  


**to: カカロット**

_Ready?_

  
  


Unfortunately, even though he wasn't, he didn't have a valid reason to back out.

  
  


**to: べジータ**

_ya_

**to: カカロット**

_I'll head over._

  
  


Goku forces himself up, splashing water on his face both to wake him up and to hopefully get rid of any evidence that he'd been crying. He frowns at himself in the mirror when he straightens.

How had he gotten to this point?

He's a battle-hardened _warrior_ , for fuck's sakes. This was pathetic. Vegeta would say so too.

_Speak of the devil._

He feels Vegeta's _ki_ land outside his front door. Taking a deep breath, he tries to think of happy things so his smile isn't completely fake.

"Yo, Vegeta!" He tries not to flinch when Vegeta places a hand on him, and pushes himself to focus only on their upcoming training.

He wins this time, slamming Vegeta into the ground. Goku's on top of him, pinning Vegeta's legs down with his own, only very briefly. He jerks away as though he'd been burned, and pretends to act cocky to cover it up.

"Guess 's my win this time." Vegeta doesn't answer, choosing instead to stare at Goku once he's stood up. "Kakarot."

_Fuck_ , consciously trying _not_ to flinch was really difficult. "Hm?"

Vegeta opens his mouth, then closes it. "Nothing, never mind. Let's just go."

○●○●○

Vegeta is _not_ an idiot, and he had a Final Flash ready for anyone who said so.

There was definitely something off about Kakarot. Vegeta didn't know what it was, but he knew there was.

He had picked up on it a while back, when they had first started the… _addition_ to their companionship. Well, maybe a little bit after that.

There began to be a weird air around Kakarot; he was still the same bright, kinda ditzy existence, but that shine had seemed to dim. He still tried to put on the mask of his former self, but he wasn't a very good actor, and there was always... something else hidden behind his eyes and smile.

It got worse until it got better, right after Kakarot had ended the sexual aspect of things. Though the murky darkness behind his countenance still lurked, he had still seemed to be more genuinely cheerful.

And then, it changed again.

Vegeta isn't too sure _when_ the change occurred, but it seemed to have been around the time Kakarot had encountered the woman.

Kakarot's exuberance became even more forced and when they sparred, it often looked like he was warring with something else. Sometimes Vegeta didn't even know if he was the one Kakarot was fighting.

Then, on a random stroll through the city, he had seen Kakarot at the market, selling whatever his farm had produced.

He had almost tried to go up to the younger Saiyan, but Kakarot wasn't looking anywhere but straight ahead; it seemed like he was only aware of his surroundings enough to not bump into other people.

As Vegeta watched Kakarot interact with the vendors, gone was the outgoing personality and cheerful smile so characteristic of him. Vegeta had his fair share of frustration with Kakarot being _too_ carefree, but now that in its place is a quiet, reclusive thing, it isn't right.

Kakarot wasn't Kakarot if he wasn't almost infuriatingly bold and brazen, whether in his joy or in his anger.

_Meek_ and _quiet_ and their synonyms didn't apply to Kakarot.

But the biggest giveaway yet, was the fact that Kakarot finally got the idea of personal space.

Mostly due to the way he grew up, Kakarot had had no qualms about skinship. Even with no inherent meaning behind it, he was a very open person and in his friendliness, didn't see the issue with being physically close to anyone, even Vegeta.

Now?

Kakarot doesn't stand close to him anymore. Gone are the casual touches ㅡ slapping him on the back, greeting him with a hand on his shoulder. The only time Vegeta feels Kakarot's touch is when his fists or kicks land or when he has to IT them somewhere.

Even when Kakarot wins, he doesn't keep Vegeta in place to gloat; the second the outcome is decided, he pulls away, putting on a show of bravado that is just that: a show.

During those moments is when Vegeta can see just how fragile Kakarot can be.

Fragile was another word he never associated with Kakarot. No matter what happened to him, he _always_ found a way to power through, constantly getting stronger, beating himself, pushing himself past limits without another thought. Vegeta was the same, of course, but Kakarot was something special.

And as grudging as he may act about it, Vegeta respected him for that.

The idea of Kakarot being fragile almost makes him scoff. His knee-jerk reaction is to insult him. _How could you have become so weak?_

But that wouldn’t be true. Kakarot was the furthest from weak. He was immensely strong, not just in power, but in spirit.

So then that raised the question: what happened that made the strongest being in the universe, _fragile_? Why did Kakarot look like he was barely holding himself together?

Then amongst those questions, was another that Vegeta didn’t want to acknowledge but knew he had to. And surprisingly, it wasn’t all that hard. Growing old sure taught one a few things about themselves.

_Was it his fault?_

* * *

“Kakarot!”

Goku nearly topples over from the tree stump he had been sitting on, staring straight ahead, his chin in his palm. His heart rate quickens and he has to remind himself to keep up the façade. “Yo, Vegeta! Sorry, din’t see ya there!”

“You’ve been out of it for weeks. What the hell is wrong with you?”

Well. Vegeta certainly didn’t mince words. But he knew that already; it was one of the reasons Goku liked him so much.

“Eh? Have I? Just lost in thought I guess, aha!” Goku _really really_ hopes his nervousness doesn’t show through.

“You? I never thought I’d see the day.” Vegeta replies drily, but it’s so like Vegeta that it brings a grin to Goku’s face. _This_ was how it was supposed to be. The casual friendship, their integral rivalry, the connection of their kin. _That_ was what Vegeta's and his relationship should be.

And yet, when his mind conjures up images of that woman he saw with Vegeta, or the idea of any other getting to be intimate with Vegeta, his stomach turns and an acerbic taste lingers in his throat. His mind prods him, pokes at him.

_Are you sure you’re okay with it this way? Are you sure this is all you want?_

Of course he is. He has to be. For the continuation of their friendship, there was no way Goku could burden Vegeta with his feelings. Feelings were never supposed to be a part of the equation.

“KAKAROT!” Goku whiplashes out of his thoughts, mind finally registering Vegeta’s impatient expression. “Oh shit, sorry Vegeta. Were ya sayin’ somethin’?”

“You spaced out again.” Despite the gruff way he says it, there seems to be something hidden behind the thin layer of his apparent frustration at Goku’s airheadedness.

“Uh, y-yeah. Sorry.” Goku rubs the back of his head, grinning apologetically. Vegeta keeps him in place with one of his intense stares but before Goku even has time to squirm, it softens. “What’s really wrong with you? You’re acting fucking weird, even for you.”

“Gee, I din’t think ya cared Vegeta,” Goku tries to make it sound like a joke, hoping that his voice didn’t tremble, hating the infernal tendrils of hope creeping up on him.

“Don’t get me wrong. I just can’t have you not being at your full potential, especially when you fight me.”

_Of course_. This was Vegeta he was talking to. Disappointment tangles with comforting familiarity and Goku really doesn’t quite know what to do with himself.

It seems there isn’t a single emotion he has right now that _wasn't_ contradictory.

"Really, nothin's wrong! I won't space out next time we spar, promise!"

_He's lying_. Kakarot was a man who wore his heart on his sleeve. He was honest to a fault, especially when his emotions were high.

Not to mention, when he wasn't spaced out, he'd fidget. Like now.

Picking at invisible lint on his clothes, shuffling his feet this way and that, tapping his fingers every so often. Vegeta had never seen him so antsy. He also seems to be making a concentrated effort to avoid Vegeta's eyes.

"Did'ja have anythin' else? 'Cuz I gotta get back to work."

Vegeta's about to retort 'What work? Sitting on your ass?", when he catches Kakarot's eyes. The look in them makes the snark die on his tongue.

Obsidian irises deep enough to hold the entire ocean and usually filled with brilliant life, are now dulled. In Kakarot's eyes, he sees resignation instead of defiance, exhaustion instead of energy.

How long had he looked like this? How had Vegeta not realized? He was one of the few people of their friends that was still around, how had he not known?

He does something he rarely ever does. Vegeta digs deep into himself, to the connection that lingered between the two of them the many times they've Fused. Usually he liked to forget they had ever happened, and he certainly didn't like the fact that Kakarot could know what he was feeling, and vice versa.

His spirit reaches out for Kakarot's, and entwines. Vegeta can't outright read his mind, but Kakarot's emotions could bring him pretty close.

Exhaustion is definitely there, though it doesn't seem to be physical. Resignation, too; like Kakarot is forced to still be holding onto something he already believes doesn't exist.

Guilt, and a lot of it at that. He feels like he'd ruined something and with that, came a strong determination, as though he wanted to fix it, no matter what. Confusion sits in the mix as well; Kakarot seems to be questioning _why_. Though why _what_ , Vegeta doesn't know.

Anger at himself swirls around haphazardly; he seems to be especially frustrated with himself.

Underneath this bubbling cesspool, lies… something Kakarot is carefully concealing. If Vegeta could figure out what it was, it could possibly lead to understanding the pressure that is causing Kakarot's emotions to roil.

Goku is freaking out while trying not to freak out.

He had felt Vegeta attach himself to the connection within them, and the idea that he could understand Goku's emotions was terrifying. The last thing he needed was Vegeta _figuring it out._

He tries to keep his mind blank, his heart calm, his soul still. He isn't sure if he's succeeding, but he's damn well trying to.

“What are you hiding, Kakarot?” Vegeta had meant to sound harsh, but he just sounds more confused. “Wh-what? Nothin’! Why would I hide anythin’?” Goku is doing his utmost to keep up the charade.

_Jus' a little longer. Find a way out of it if ya can._

Unfortunately for him, Vegeta isn’t about to give up that easily. “Don’t play dumb! I can tell you’re hiding something, even if I can’t tell what it is.”

_Fuck_. “R-really, it’s nothin’! No need to worry, Vegeta, it ain’t important!”

“So is it nothing, or is it not important?” _Double fuck._ Goku curses in his head. Why did Vegeta have to be so damn smart?

"'S nothin'. Seriously! Anyway, I really should get goin', gotta head to the city to get shit…" Kakarot's excuses fade away as Vegeta's irritation clouds his head before it gets too much.

He snaps. "Why are you so fucking weak? Stop being a pathetic piece of shit and say whatever you wanna say!" He instantly regrets the words the second they leave his mouth, but it's too late. 

Goku's crestfallen face greets him; it seems he can't hide anymore. He sends Vegeta a wobbly smile, looking for all the world like he's going to cry. "Yer right, 'm weak. I ain't worth yer time, so jus'... don't try."

Then he's got two fingers to his forehead and before Vegeta can stop him, disappears.

To describe Vegeta as 'surprised', is an understatement. For starters, he's only seen Kakarot cry a tiny handful of times, from anger or loss, but he's never seen him on the verge of tears like that.

Most of all, Kakarot has never ever admitted that he could be weak, least of all to Vegeta. Even if he didn't know just how strong he was, Kakarot didn't think of himself as "weak". And he knew that Vegeta didn't either, so why did it affect him so much?

Vegeta has been harsh in word and touch to him most of the time throughout the entire duration of their complicated relationship, and never has Kakarot reacted like _that_.

The space over his heart squeezes tightly in a familiar emotion that he doesn't want to acknowledge quite yet.

* * *

Goku isn't really sure where he teleported himself, but it didn't matter. He's torn between allowing himself to release the tears threatening an appearance, or not.

He decides not to and instead, takes to the sky. But if some tears squeeze past his eyelids as he flies, he doesn't make a move to stop them.

He soars, trying to untether himself from the ground, lose his problems to the sky, his thoughts to the atmosphere. He's so preoccupied with not thinking about anything ㅡ a first for him ㅡ that he doesn't feel Vegeta's _ki_ until it's right in front of him and he's forced to come to a sudden halt.

"If you wanted to run away, you should've hid your _ki_." Vegeta stands unamused, arms crossed. Goku wants to die. _How could he have been so stupid?_

He's weighing the possibilities of trying again, and successfully this time, when Vegeta moves in close, grabbing his wrist. "You're not running away again."

Goku's wrist feels like it's on fire. "Let go." His voice sounds feeble to his own ears. "Not until you tell me what the hell's wrong." Vegeta's grip tightens.

A sudden irritation wells up in Goku, and using a bit of _ki_ , he yanks out of Vegeta's hold. "I _said_ , let go!"

Vegeta's eyes widen for a fraction of a second before they narrow, glaring at him. "What in the goddamn hell is-"

"Ya wanna know what's wrong?! _You_ are, Vegeta! Yer what's wrong with me and I dun understand why y'can't just leave me damn well alone!" Kakarot explodes finally, and Vegeta is more proud than irritated.

"I don't know what the fuck that's supposed to mean!" He matches Kakarot's irritation anyway, because like hell would he show the former.

"Ya don't gotta! 'S my problem anyway!"

" _Apparently_ it's not, because you just said _I'm_ the problem!"

"I _said,_ yer the reason for it, but the problem's _my_ fault!"

Vegeta grits his teeth. He doesn't know why he's trying so hard to find out, either, but he really can't seem to leave Kakarot alone.

_Fine_. A different approach then.

"You're angry at yourself. Why? You feel guilty, confused. Over what? And what's lying underneath that? Why does it feel like it's killing you from the inside out?!" Vegeta can't help the way his voice raises at the end, but it surprises him that he sounds more concerned than pissed off.

It surprises Goku, too. His eyes open wide in shock, and without even realizing it, tears spring to his eyes and roll down his face. It startles Vegeta. " _Oi,_ what the- what's wrong? Kakarot, you're crying."

Goku starts, quickly wiping his eyes, exhaling a weak chuckle. "Ah, fuck, tha's awkward. Sorry."

Kakarot's tears make Vegeta reconsider his approach once more. "I didn't mean it. What I said about you being weak and pathetic. You're not."

Vegeta pauses. He can't believe he's actually going to say this. "I'm just… worried." This, too, is surprisingly easier than he thought. He supposes it may be because he and Kakarot are the only ones they've got left from their team of friends, save the ones who resided in the skies and their kids with their own families.

The tears start coming again. "No yer not." Goku's voice shakes, and he hates it. "Don't lie t'me."

It sounds to Vegeta more like a plead, than an order.

"When the _fuck_ have I ever lied to you?" Okay, so Vegeta's a little offended. Kakarot's been on the brunt end of his brutal honesty for as long as they’ve known each other.

Goku can't answer. He knows Vegeta's right. His shoulders slump. "If I tell ya, you'll hate me."

"I already hate you, what's new?" Vegeta jokes first, instantly regretting the timing. 

Goku just summons a wry smile. "You'll actually hate me."

Vegeta doesn't see what Kakarot could do that could make him _actually_ hate him, short of murdering his entire family. And that would be impossible. "Don't assume you know what I'll think, Son Goku."

His Earth name is the last thing he expected to hear, and for the _third fucking time_ (holy shit he's really setting a record), tears fall. "Why would ya do that? Why would ya… act all sweet an' shit when I know ya don't care 'bout me like that? 'Specially when anyone woulda done it for ya?"

Sweet? Since when had Vegeta been _sweet_? "What do you mean?"

"Like- like… pretendin' y'care, doin'... _that_ stuff and actin' like I matter when I really don't. Why'd y' have to start this anyway? Why couldn't we jus' go back t' normal?"

Then, softer, in a small, broken voice Vegeta didn't know Goku was even capable of, "Why'd ya hafta make me feel like this?"

"Feel like what?" Vegeta can't remember if he's ever let his voice get this gentle before now.

Goku looks at him squarely, eyes searching his own, as though trying to find any ounce of deception. He must find none, because eventually, he sighs and looks away again.

"Like... 'm in love," Goku murmurs, half-hoping Vegeta didn't hear him.

He isn't very lucky.

Though Vegeta didn't exactly expect to _hear_ that, those words make everything fall into place. Along with this understanding comes a surge of relief.

It seems he had hoped this was the reason, as well. "With me." It's a statement, not a question.

Goku grimaces, still not meeting his eyes. "I know, 'ts dumb, 'ts weird, and I understand if y' hate me after this 'cuz it wasn't even s'posed t' happen, I jus'... couldn't help it but I din't wanna tell ya 'cuz obviously y' wouldn't love me so-"

"Shut up for a second, Kakarot," Vegeta cuts him off before planting a deep kiss on Goku. Where their first kiss, and the others following, was almost entirely composed of lust, this is different. 

Vegeta takes Goku's hands in his, pressing his lips against the other's firmly, but gently.

It's… sweet. 

That idea is almost enough to give Goku whiplash. Vegeta pulls away before he can, though, and the younger Saiyan's hand clamps over his mouth, a furious blush on his cheeks.

"Wh- what'd y'do that for? 'M- 'm not lettin' y' back in my pants!" Vegeta sighs in exasperation, but there's an undertone of fondness. "No, you adorable buffoon. This is me answering you."

Goku's eyebrows knit together in confusion, such a familiar expression that Vegeta can't help but let a small smile emerge on his face. "Whaddya mean? I din't ask you a question."

Vegeta shakes his head, holding back a chuckle. This moron really was too cute. He kisses Goku again, more chaste this time, but no less sweet. "I want to do what I did with Bulma… with you."

Goku's eyes widen, and in the next second tears roll down his face, though he doesn't notice. He's _elated_. His soul feels like it's flying higher than he is. "What? Get married?" He doesn't know why he chose this moment to crack a joke, but he doesn't know what else to say. 

Vegeta shrugs nonchalantly. "If that's what you want."

Goku laughs lightly, wiping his eyes as he smiles, the first genuine smile Vegeta's seen from him in a long while.

_Too_ long.

As he thought, there was something fundamentally wrong with his world if Kakarot couldn't grin like an idiot the way he always did.

Which reminds him. Vegeta takes a deep breath. "I'm… sorry." Goku's look turns to one of surprise once more. Vegeta forces himself to not turn away. "I should have been clearer. I didn't realize what we did would affect you the way that it did, and I'm sorry I didn't notice how weird you were being until much later."

_Huh_. Apologies weren't _that_ hard, after all. Or maybe it was just Kakarot.

In any case, whatever embarrassment Vegeta may have felt at such an uncharacteristic display towards his greatest rival, it all dissipates when Goku sends him another bright, beautiful smile.

"'m sorry too, for bein' all weird an' shit. I jus' thought that if I broke things off, I'd be able t' get over my feelings. But it… din't work," Goku ends with an awkward laugh.

"For what it's worth, I'm glad it didn't." Vegeta steps even closer, happiness warming his chest when Goku doesn't step away. "I want you, Kakarot."

Goku smiles for a second, until it suddenly drops off his face. "What 'bout… _her_?"

"She was a one-night stand. I was… drunk and horny, and since I couldn't have you, I turned to someone else. But I've never had her since. Or anyone else, for that matter."

Goku relaxes at that, berating himself inwardly for getting excited. "Did you… did you really not like… _it_?" Vegeta asks then, forcing himself not to show the little bit of insecurity that flickers to life inside him.

Neither of them need any elaboration.

Goku shakes his head, a scarlet flush blooming on his cheeks. "No… I liked it. A lot, actually. Too much, prob'ly."

Vegeta shakes his head. "I _want_ you to like it, otherwise there's no point in doing it."

Vegeta's easy acceptance of his feelings ㅡ _and reciprocation_ , his mind reminds him giddily ㅡ suddenly makes Goku feel kind of stupid for keeping it from him in the first place, even though he knows that with Vegeta, a harsh reaction is usually expected.

"Then I love it." Another small smile gets thrown his way and flutters erupt in Goku's stomach. "Good."

A comfortable silence settles in between them, but this time, charged with something more than just friendship.

"Shall we head home?" Goku beams, placing a hand on his shoulder. "Yeah!" Before he can put two fingers to his forehead, Vegeta grabs the hand on his shoulder and entwines it with his. "Let's go, then."

With a smile that outshines the sun, Goku takes them back home, where they are reacquainted with one another in a new way. Here in this world, they aren't just rivals-turned-friends; they aren't even just some of the few, living full-blood Saiyans left.

They are Goku and Vegeta ㅡ two halves of the same whole. Different in every way, yet alike in the same. They were a contradiction, a contrast, and yet, they fit perfectly.

_Could I ever be th' one y' love?_

_Who else, idiot?_

**Author's Note:**

> characterization is so difficult 🙃 fingers crossed they aren't terribly ooc


End file.
